Favorite season

Interesting topic for a blog. But will go with that since my mind is floating in every direction today. Hmmm...Can not really say which one would be my favorite season. i do enjoy them all for the most part. In Florida, however, the seasons do not change much. Spring and Summer or pretty much one. But i do enjoy summer because my children do not have school and even though i tend to be on the computer a lot, we still spend time together. i am hoping this summer will be a bit different. i can be more active once they take care of this hernia. So hopefully they do something about it this time. i enjoy the Winter season because Christmas is one of my favorite Holidays. Seeing the childrens faces on Christmas morning is such a blessing. Even if they do not get everything they wanted, they are still so happy on that day. Their expressions, their actions are just beautiful. Well we do have hurricane season down here, which is always so interesting. We come close to being hit by one, but never really a direct hit. But it oddly is peaceful getting the outer bands of a hurricane. The wind and rain...As long as i do not have to go out in it and drive, i do enjoy the rain. Fall, is fun because even though none of the boys are interested in Halloween and dressing up or whatever anymore. Amber is and she enjoys it. Florida's seasons always seem to blend together. So not much difference down here as the seasons change.

Thank You for taking the time to read my blogs and commenting on them Mistress. Your response to yesterdays blog has me a bit speechless. Not used to things like that being said to me, where i actually feel the words are true. i can not thank You enough my Mistress. i know this has nothing to do with seasons but will call this a random ass blog. Lol. i love You Mistress.

Thank You Mistress

i wanted to use todays blog to say thank You Mistress. For being here for me. It does not even feel like we are miles and miles apart. You are always in my heart. And i always feel You with me wherever i go. You have helped me and are helping me get through these rough times, without judging things that happened to me, or that i have done to myself in the past. i have fought the urges to cut mainly because i do not want You to be disappointed in me. And i know if i do it, especially without permission, You would be. That is the worst feeling ever. i am working on becoming the slave i was. And i wanted to thank You for helping me through this. Helping me succeed and to better myself. my head is still a complete mess, and i do feel like i have been broken and not built back up. But i feel safe in Your hands, that You will guide and lead me in the right directions. i did have another talk with Rachel last night and i told her that i have no fight left in me. So if she wants to save the marriage it is on her. And her actions will tell if she can do it. She finally admitted to being one-sided for way to long and for letting things get out of hand. i told her she may not be the Dominant anymore in the relationship, but she was. And she should have set the limits and knew when enough was enough. So only time will tell with that. i can not try any harder then what i have done. And i need to focus on You and building myself back up. So the ball is in her court now. Or however that saying goes. Lol. Anyway...Thank You so very much my Mistress, for everything. And especially for not giving up on me. i feel Your love and i see that You care deeply for me. And that alone makes me feel special. i love You Mistress.

Pocket Full Of Sunshine...

Since today is music day...i figured i would share one of my favorite songs that could relate to a submissive. Possibly even a Dominant. Some of the lyrics, especially the chorus, is the main part of the song that i feel relates to a submissive.

 

Take me away

A secret place

A sweet escape

 

Those words along with others. i believe everyone even outside the lifestyle have days where they need to have someone just take them away. Bring them to brighter days. After a session, soft or hard...depending on the reason for the session...Or just serving or laying at Ones feet is my secret place. my sweet escape. It keeps me in that place that i desire. my heart and mind feel at ease when i find or am brought to my place. It is like i can close my eyes and just feel the embrace around me.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0btXhLdAuAc

Being a mom...

Being a mom is an amazing experience. my children mean the world to me, and no matter how old they are, they will always be my babies. Even though they hate when i say that. Haha. There are so many reasons why i love being a mom. The best times are those special moments when they randomly come up and give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and tell me they love me. It sends such a warm feeling through my heart. Of course just Tony and Amber do that now. Not the older two. i know Tony will also grow out of that but for now i enjoy it. i, as a child can not remember one time when my mother would tell me she loved me or when she ever said she was proud of me. So i make sure i tell all four of my children everyday that i love them. Children are a blessing. Even when i was teaching young children...i loved each and every one of them. i treasure the fact that i was able to have such blessings added to my life. Being a mom is a lot of responsibility but it is so very worth every minute of it. Even during their little attitude moments, i can not help but giggle. i wrote a poem back when Anthony and Amber were babies. Figured this would be a good time to share it. Had to giggle when i was re-typing here. At how fast they grow up. Brandon was 9...He is now 19. Lol. Time sure does fly. Anyway...Being a mom is very important to me, and even through the toughest of times, i can always count on my children to keep me hanging on strong. Just an amazing feeling every time they do something new or accomplish something they set out to accomplish. It feels good to give them the love that i never got. Just to see their smiles and joy...Is enough to make a mom tear up. ~Smiles~

 

 

 

My Children

 

 

I have four beautiful children in my life,

the only good thing I got from being a wife.

 

My children sure do mean the world to me,

without them, I am not to sure where I would be.

 

Brandon is my oldest, he will soon be ten,

I hope that when he grows up,

He will be different then some of the other men.

 

But for right now, he is only nine,

And I am so glad that he is mine.

 

Then there is Cameron, he is only seven,

He can be as sweet

As the angels in heaven.

 

He is definitely one of a kind,

He is one that often speaks his mind.

 

Next there is Anthony, he is only one,

He is so full of energy,

And always so much fun.

 

He is for sure great to be around,

He can always make you laugh,

Even when you are feeling down.

 

The last one is Amber, she is my only girl,

She is more beautiful then a shiny new pearl.

 

She is only six months old, and tries to keep up with the boys,

she drives them all nuts, when they are playing with their toys.

 

My children all have a special place in my heart,

And I will do my best to keep their life,

From falling apart.

 

I love all four of them so very much,

And when they are all older,

I sure hope they all stay in touch.

Movie night

Just wanted to say a little about the movie we watched together last night. First, thank You again for giving me the time with You Mistress, and for sharing such a delightful movie. It was indeed a beautiful sight. Watching how well they worked into their relationship. It was an amazing story. i have heard of that movie before but never got around to watching it. But i am glad i finally got to. i really enjoyed it. Thank You again Mistress. i feel it lifted my submission up some more. It helped me realize that i definitely can not change who i am, not for anyone. And when he explained to her why she cut...i could not have said it better myself. It was like they had a bond even before knowing each other. He saw her submission and gradually worked into it.

Yesterdays adventures.

Well yesterday was quite a boring dreadful day. i started out the morning feeling alright. Was getting laundry ready. Was still bleeding a bit heavy and the cramps were normal ones. Until early in the afternoon. They got worse. i could barely move without getting tears in my eyes. So John, for once...took over. Sent me to the bedroom where i laid in bed in a curled up position most of the day. Only got up to use the restroom. He came in to check on me and i was in some serious pain. Him and his dad said earlier that i should go to the hospital. Well of course, me being me, kept putting it off. Until the evening time, i could not take it anymore. It was getting to the point where i could not even get up to use the restroom without tears. And the sight of blood was just getting old. Lol. They gave me something through IV to help with the cramping and to stop the bleeding. That seemed to work. i was able to rest a bit better last night. And woke up this morning to no blood. So hopefully it is done for now. They are supposed to send the paperwork to my regular doctor and my GYN. To see what other further treatment is needed. On a lighter note, my blood pressure was quite stable last night while at the hospital.

i did talk to Rachel on yahoo, last night and this morning. She did apologize and we discussed it a bit about how what she said was wrong and it hurt quite deeply. She said she was terrified about my health so she blew up or whatever. Well i reminded her about the last time i blew up and her poofing. And when i did it, it was not even directed towards her. She said she is afraid of losing me or whatever...i told her well that is a great way to lose me. So hopefully i got that settled.

Thank You for everything Mistress. For being here for me even when You were not feeling well Yourself. i miss and love You Mistress. And thank You for being so understanding with me and my lack of focus and all that.

For You Mistress

Wanted to let You know i have been thinking of You Mistress. And sending all my hugs Your way. i hope You are able to rest and get Your strength back quickly because i know it is not easy for You to lay still for a long period of time. i remember that from when You were pregnant and was told to rest. Haha. i love You Mistress. Wish i was closer so i could take care of You and help with the children.

The crop...

Some people like the crop because it causes pain or whatever. Or it is seen as a tool that can only be used for punishments. i however, find the crop to be a security thing. Something that can be used anywhere, at anytime. i feel it is a safe way to keep me in my place, or bring me back when my mind drifts. It is used online a lot with me, and i do not see it being any different in real. Example being...If i was sitting in a room having a conversation and all off a sudden my eyes drift and i get quiet, a little tap of the crop on my shoulder or cheeks, or wherever One sees fit. Soft random caresses with the tip of the crop help relax my drifting mind. A crop does not have to be a harsh piece of equipment. It can be just as soothing as it can be painful. If You ever seen Rachel always having one in her hand, that is why. It was my suggestion years ago and it has done a lot for me. i am not exactly sure why i feel it soothing and why it keeps me secure in my place, but i do. Lol.

Late start...

Last night was an emotional night for me. i felt emotionally drained. But also felt relieved. And i guess a bit disappointed in Rachel for breaking not just one but a few promises. i could not get comfortable on the couch, so i did go in the bedroom and slept in the bed with John. Been probably about two years since i even slept in a bed. So i figured i would try and see if that helped. Well, then he started yapping, which was actually quite annoying. Kept telling him to go to sleep already, that he had to get up for work. Lol. my mind was just racing in every direction. And him talking was just making it worse. And i had to inform him that just because i was sleeping in the room, does not mean we are getting back together. We have tried many times and it is just not for us. He understood and agreed. i just like to keep the tension levels down when it comes to him, it keep the verbal abuse away from the children. Anyway, i am not even sure what time i finally fell asleep, but it was quite late. i woke up when he got up for work to use the restroom. And again could not get my mind to slow down. Eventually i fell back asleep and missed the alarm to get the little ones up and to school. i woke up a little late but got them to school before it was to late. Broken promises never feel good. It hurts, and hurts deeply. i do believe i did the right thing with her, as my slave side, which is in all reality my only side...Well it felt as if it were dying. Like nothing left to it. i know it is still there because that is who i am. i just need the strength and discipline to get me back to where i was. i know Rachel and i were pretty much online only, but to me it is all or none. i took our relationship seriously and i did whatever i could to keep her happy. However, even though she is not happy or whatever, i know i did not fail. Nobody would have done the things i did for her. If i was an average slave on there, i would have left a long time ago. IMVU may be a virtual world, but it is a way i can express who i am. So i do take it seriously. Maybe to seriously. Maybe i am to honest on there. i do not know. It is also a way for kitten and bb to express themselves separately as well. So, i guess it is also a  way for me to cope. i just feel so lost and confused, which makes my mind go crazy. Makes it hard to focus. my head is a mess. And that itself disappoints me. That i allowed it to get like that. Rachel used to be such a good Mistress, whether she was just acting or whatever, it did not matter. She knew what i needed, when i needed it. Pushing me with the songs and etc...Just anything that would keep my focus where it belongs. But once that started dying down and i had to push her to do those things, it started draining me. i just gave up, i guess and went to whatever she wanted/needed me as.

i am sorry for my good morning message being late Mistress and just wanted to explain a little on why it was late. And thank You again for being there for me last night and staying on with me. i hope i can build back up to where i was. i feel so broken, so drained. Sometimes i do hate being so TPE because if i was not, i would not feel so lost during times like this. But i can not change who i am. i love You Mistress.

Aftercare

Immense trust is the foundation of a Dominant/submissive relationship. What most people do not fully realize is that a Mistress/slave relationship requires much more trust than any vanilla relationship, because a submissive is putting his/her physical and mental safety in the hands of a Dominant.. Hence the emotional intimacy of a M/s relationship is also much deeper and intense as well.

After the intensity of a long and/or rough play session, a compassionate Sensual Dominant should show a sub a great deal of appreciation and affection for her immense trust and for her gift of submission through sensual "aftercare" to soothe her exhausted body and mind. It is not uncommon for a sub to weep intensely or need to be held for long periods of time after an intense session. Aftercare is how we rejuvenate the emotionally exhaustion of a sub and strengthen the emotional bonds between Dominant and submissive.

i do believe both Dominant and submissive need the aftercare, as any scene/session is quite exhausting to the Dominant as well. It is a sharing time to be there for one another and help each other "come down". A lot of aftercare techniques involve touching. Touching is how we bond emotionally as humans. Makes both feel secure and that the session was not to overwhelming, to far, or to much for any that were involved. Skin on skin contact can calm a person emotionally, therefore help calm both the Dominant and the submissive. Simple cuddles, massages, reassuring words, just holding and soft tender touches go a long way after a long session.

Some things that make me happy...

i never really think of that song unless it is around Christmas time. But that was a very interesting point You made Mistress. With the MPD there are several things that easy my mind. Music of course being one of those things. i find music to be very soothing and can help ease anything. But there are also things that help with that as i listen to the words to certain songs. kitten has a mix she made for her butterfly room with special songs. The other things include...watching butterflies soaring through the air, gracefully. They are so peaceful. Rainbows, the bright colors can bring any light to a tough situation. Flowers. And can not forget bubbles. The way the float...Just so calming. her butterfly room may be online but we all still find it very soothing. Just to lay our avis in there or whatever, play the songs and let her mind rest and embrace the music and the environment. Most of those songs have meanings behind them and it sometimes makes tears flow for all three of us. But some tears are good, and it is a release to allow them to fall freely sometimes. Those are some things that i would replace in the song. The things that help ease my mind and calm my nerves with things get troublesome.

Sessions

my sessions with Rachel are always different. It usually depends on the reasoning behind them. She would sometimes bring me in for a light session to help keep me focused and remind me of my place. Those sessions could include just regular BDSM poses where i am able to feel and see the control She has over me. Maybe a light flogging and spanking, some humiliation. A harder session would include more harsh words, nothing to the extreme, She knows (well used to know) how to keep me in line. The words to sink in because it i take online just as serious as i would real. So the words She uses with the equipment and poses do take affect. But like i said it all depends on the reason we go into a session. As a Sadist, sometimes we go in, just for Her. Which i do enjoy also. Hardly do we go in for a session for punishments. And if we do, i usually get lectured and maybe some slaps and roughness. The rougher more extreme sessions, include everything...from light floggers to bull whips. That also depends on Her mood. And always aftercare no matter what type of session it is. Not always is any kind of sex involved. We usually have different types of sessions for that. As a Mistress, She usually does make it rough. But as a Wife, it is usually more sensual. As if either happen anymore. But hopefully that changes. She does have a toy as do i. So we do enjoy those times. And nice poses for those toys. Hehe. But real or role play, it means a lot to me so it does help keep me in my place. Keeps me focused. i do enjoy all the sessions we encounter, well maybe not the punishment ones...But the ones that keeps Her happy and pleased or whatever. The marks i receive from Her, i do wear proudly and i do like them to show. i see any and all of them as badges of honor. May sound weird but that is what they are to me. No matter what the reason was that they were put there. Words can mean a lot even if just typed so those used during sessions are important. i do have to recite the slaves creed during most of the sessions. She will tell me to do so randomly. Was not sure if You wanted details about what She actually does during the sessions or whatever, but if so i can answer any questions. Or try and explain in more details if needed. She used to do some light to medium humiliation in public rooms also. Which i did not mind, i believe it builds character and keeps us slaves in our place.

my thoughts on the article

i can relate to this article, as most of my experience with bondage and all is online. i have had a few experiences with light bondage and i did enjoy it. It is the control that i enjoy, that i need. i am looking forward to more real experiences. Unlike the guy in the article i do know that online is a lot different then real, and yes it is safer. Online, you do not actually feel the bondage. But it can be just as deep if the words are taken seriously. And even online, if one true enough will not just poof from a room in a tough situation. i have always had issues with using the safe word and just leaving during a scene or whatever. Always felt i took it more seriously then others, who were just out to take advantage of who i was and what i did. But it is who i am, inside. Anyway, i am not sure of my tolerance level in the real world on bondage and pain, as i have not really had much experience with that. As i said though, i did enjoy the times i was helpless in restraints. And the control i felt from the Other, just flowed naturally through my veins. i will try anything at least once if it was to please You. If i did not feel comfortable with it, i will do it then ask to discuss it. ~Smiles~

Submission

 

The outsiders looking in on the BDSM community find that submission comes from those that are weak and powerless. Just used for others pleasure to be abused in many ways and then tossed away. The most annoying part of vanillas. Haha. They are so quick to judge others who are active within BDSM.

 

As some would say slaves do not have any rights, but i do believe differently on that. As we do have certain rights...that of course depends on the One that Owns. And the rights we do have will of course be the decision of our Owners. But we are given the right to use a safe word, if we felt it was needed. The right to communicate. Also, we have the right to chose who we belong to. There are hidden rights that slaves do get that most people do not realize. Our submission is ours, to give. It takes a special connection to be able to submit to Someone. But either way that decision is ours.

 

There can be many reasons that people enter the BDSM community. It could be the past and how they were treated as a child, it could be because of bad things happening to them, or it could possibly be that they were "born that way". Could be a mixture of things. So many are also quick to judge on how or why people get into BDSM. There may not be any other reason other then it is how the person feels inside. They could feel the need and desire to serve and submit.

 

Sexual submission, should in my opinion not be considered abuse, or playing "rape" or however people look at it. i find that submitting in anyway, including, sexual submission to not just physical but also mental and emotional stimulation.

 

To ‘give’ myself fully there must be utter trust in my Dominant in order for them to see, feel and experience my submission.  And personally to submit sexually is the greatest gift i can give to Someone, therefore there must be a relationship based on mutual respect, trust and love.

The difference...Babygirls and littles.

i mentioned this as a topic yesterday during Your writers block. But i thought it would be a good topic for me to say a few things on. Some do not understand that there is a difference and that it is not necessarily an age play act. Babygirls are not likely to engage in age play, it is more common for littles. But i do feel it depends on the story behind the little. There are several different reasons that one feels more comfortable as a little, or as a babygirl.

In BDSM, a "Little" is someone who enjoys spending time being a younger age in a BDSM dynamic.  That person, as a "little", could be either submissive or dominant, or a switch.   Or not have a role dynamic at all, just enjoy exploring their younger self.

A "little can actually be any age, not just a baby.  And of course a little can be of any gender, not just a girl. Some "littles" prefer to be around the ages of 3 or 4, others who were of school age, and yet others who were just entering "puberty".

A babygirl, of course, does not have to be of a "baby" age.  A Daddy Dom/ Mommy Domme might refer to His/Her submissive as His/Her babygirl, even though she doesn't exhibit "little" behavior.

i thought this would be a good topic to write a little about since one of the differences between kitten and i are those two words. As i have babygirl tendencies and behavior at times, but would never feel comfortable as a little. i do like to have a pacifier or suck on fingers at times. However, my age never changes. kitten is more comfortable and feels more secure in the little role. The age play does not go well with us, because of BB and what has happened to bring them two about. The difference between kitten and BB is simple, BB is a child...kitten is a young adult with submissive tendencies.

So i guess that would make me a TPE slave with a babygirl side. kitten switches between a little and a adult. Even her bad ass adult has babygirl tendencies but she would never admit it.

A little about my morning...

Well as You know today was one of those wonderful visits that make being a woman so much better. Haha. First, i start on the paper work in the waiting room. Still on the first page when they call me in the back. The nurse asks tons of questions as i am still working on the paper work. She finally says the doctor will be in shortly. So i sit and finish the paper work in this tiny room. Still fully dressed thank goodness. Lol. About an hour later, the same nurse comes in and says "we have not forgotten about you." i am thinking sure thing lady. Haha. About thirty minutes from that time, the student doctor or whatever she was comes in and starts asking the same questions and taking her little notes to repeat to the regular doctor. She gets the information she needs and leaves. About 20 minutes later, her and the doctor come back in. He talks about the answers i gave to the questions, then tells me to remove my clothes from the waste down. And he will be right back in. Well i did not realize it takes a person over 20 minutes to remove their pants. Lol. Finally they come back and start the exam. Did a quick breast exam before the pap smear and all. The student doctor did the pap smear itself, then he lubes his fingers and shoves them in there, pressing on my stomach and all. Telling me to relax as he presses on the hernia. Which they were all shocked at the size of that. Go figure. He asked if the hernia was a parting gift from one of my children. He was a goofy ass doctor but very nice. And actually one that listened to my concerns and such. Sent me down to the lab for blood work so he can get my hormone levels or whatever. And when i go back in two weeks, he will go over the results of the blood work and pap smear. And do an ultra sound to find out why my uterus is enlarged and to check my ovaries and whatever else is in there. Lol. It did take most of the morning, but everyone there was respectful and treated me like they did care. Not many doctors or nurses do that anymore. my blood pressure was still a bit high, she did not say what it was, only that is was higher then it should be. i told her that is what my pcp is working on. He also said that the enlarged uterus and the hernia could be a good majority of my sudden weight gain. Also checking for any issues with thyroids. Figured since i had a fun filled morning it would be a perfect blog for today. Lol. Easier to explain everyone by typing rather then texting. Think that about sums it all up for now. ~Smiles~

What being Owned means to me...

     Being Owned to me, means i feel cared for, respected, and loved. It creates a sense of security and contentment. Being Owned allows me to journey into my submission the proper way. And during the journey i can learn to face some of the scariest things that i have in my closet because being Owned allows me to open my body and mind to the deepest of vulnerabilities. Teaches me to trust on deeper levels. i feel safe and feel as if i have a purpose.

     i have been asked, i can not even count how many times, how can i be so TPE. How can i give complete control over just like that. There are quite a few answers i can give to answer that question. But the main answer i believe would be the feeling it gives me to be controlled. To have those decisions i have trouble making, made for me. Without the control, i feel lost, confused, and get very unfocused . i have the heart and desire to please. i have found that being un-owned, i get taken advantage of because i am so TPE. Or even some Owners tend to do that as well, so it does take a lot of trust to put my life in the hands of Another. But once that trust is in place, i feel so content. It is sometimes hard for me to stay focused still, but if things are handled correctly on my part, i will bounce back.

Communicating better...

i always had trouble communicating when i am feeling insecure, overwhelmed, and/or unfocused. Even though i know communication is very important, i sometimes find it hard to do. It is difficult for me to talk about things that are bothering me that could cause me to feel insecure or unfocused. And with the MPD, i do tend to get unfocused a lot. i will say i never forget my place as a slave, but sometimes i do get so unfocused, i can not keep track of things that i am supposed to be doing. my mind drifts a lot. One of my past Owners came up with a few things to help keep me focused. And of course Rachel has Her ways of doing so online. Which in a way i guess would be a form of discipline. Insecurity is also common for me, i just hate displeasing or failing and when i get unfocused, i feel as if i am doing so which sends me further in a drift.

There are many ways i can communicate with You when i am feeling one or all of these things. i can text, e-mail, or even do it using these blogs. i do not like being a bother, or acting to needy or it seeming like i just want attention, so i slack away and keep those things to myself. But it never goes well since You know me so well. i guess as a TPE slave, i am quite needy. With the guidance and structures and all that. And sometimes i feel that i am to much. i promise to work harder on the communication aspect of this. And to work on not letting other things get me so unfocused.

Music

i find music to be very soothing, no matter what mood i am in. i believe there is a meaning in every song. A message hidden in there someone. Possibly several messages. Sometimes it takes a few times of hearing the song or even reading the words, but the message always appears. Even in songs without words. Those can also relay messages or just work to calm my mind. There are many songs that mean a lot to me. Always hard when someone asks me what my favorite song is, i can never give a straight one song answer. i once had to do an assignment where i had to find different songs that i felt represent myself, kitten, bb, and the One i was with at the time. kitten was also given the same assignment at a different time. It was interesting and even found a few new songs that i used. Music to me is better then any medicine. Even in the darkest moments a sad song can actually help. It helps make the tears flow that i hold in and sometimes a good cry is all a person needs.

The Slaves Creed

The Slaves Creed

 

 

You are Mistress, girl is slave.

 

You are Owner, girl is Owned.

 

You command, girl obeys.

 

You are to be pleased, girl is to please.

 

Why is this?

 

Because You are Mistress and girl is slave.

 

 

 

 

There is a reason for posting this blog tonight. i know there is no excuse for not completing assigned tasks/assignments...etc...however i will explain in further details here on why i have missed the past couple nights. There are times when i lose focus, especially when things get hectic at the house. And during those times it is very hard for me to concentrate and do things like writings and such. i do know i should have contacted You instead of just not doing them, i was not thinking clearly. i am not explaining this to get out of punishment or whatever, just explaining to show communication. Even though the communication should have been done beforehand. This is something i have been working on for a bit, staying focused. The slaves creed is something Rachel has me repeat at random times to keep my mind focused. And to help or get me back in my place. Times at home get hectic and crazy and i totally lose focus on things. i do not lose my place or grow lack of respect or anything like that, just sometimes i forget or i just can not think clearly enough to do certain things. This is a reason i typed it in tonights blog. To remind myself and to show i have been thinking about my lack of effort and communication. i would say missing the past two blogs was not intentional, but i guess in a way it was. i did know they were supposed to be done, i just could not focus on writing it. i am sorry Mistress. i know i have to work on this some more. And i promise to try harder at staying focused on the tasks/assignments You give. Thank You Mistress for taking the time to read my blog. 

Foot/leg worship

This was an explanation of what foot worshipping is to me and how important and sensual it can be, that i did for a friend who was wanting to learn a little about the lifestyle and what i liked..etc.. i did a few different ones for her but this was one of my favorites i wanted to share it with You. i took some parts out because it was based on online things also. But figured i would leave the sample role play in. 

 

Foot worship:

 

     i find being able to worship Ones feet as a reward. Having the honor to do so, gives me the security that i am worth such a reward. i like to use my hands also and worship Ones legs. There are different ways such worshipping can be done. i find even just laying at Ones feet is a privilege. Some will include shoes/boots into the worship as well. That i do not mind either, however, the cleaning of the shoes and such is more of an online thing for me. But i feel a Dominant that is worthy should never walk around with dirty shoes. Need some rags and shoe polish for that. Haha. But when the One is not wearing shoes or anything on Their feet, it becomes more of a pleasure, sensual type honor. i would massage and worship. Kissing and licking of the feet, tracing up the legs and such. This worship could also be as simple as resting Ones feet on me, rubbing Their feet on me, using the heels of Their shoes against my skin...etc...There are so many ways that this worship can be put into play. Everyone has Their rules with this. Some i was not allowed to kiss Their feet without permission. Some i could just do it randomly. All depends on the O/ones involved. Some use the cleaning of the shoes as a punishment also because not everyone likes to do it. i will do a small example just to give a general idea of how i would start a role play foot worshiping scene...But it also depends on the pose...

 

~girl gently wraps her hand loosely around Miss's foot and slowly raises it upwards just a little. Lowering her head, girl lightly presses her moist lips on the tops of Miss's foot, placing soft kisses against Her smooth skin. Gently massaging the heel of Her bare foot as i begin to trace up and down Her foot with the tip of my tongue. Moving slowly towards each toe, sliding one by one in my mouth and sucking sensually. Raising up just a little, kissing the tops of each toe. Placing my tongue on the middle toe, then working my way upwards. Following Her shin up to Her thigh, leaving a faint moist trail. Picking my head up and gracefully moving back down Her leg, following the moist trail with tender kisses~

 

     Just a small explanation of how some of it would go. It is not always sexual but should only be sensual. Sometimes it does lead to further things, depending on the Dominants desires. This type of worshipping is not as honorable if the Dominant does not get pleasure out of it. Since a sub/slave shall always keep their Owners desires in mind as well. It shows that i am dedicated to the One that Owns me. Being forced to do a foot worship, does not give me the same feeling as it would if it was used as a reward.

 

    

Poly relationships...

i am not against poly, i just, as we have discussed before, have had a few bad experiences with poly relationships. i do believe this situation is different and i can learn to cope with it all. i am just in an adjusting phase, i guess, and still coming to terms with everything. i have no issues with the others at all and i am looking forward to getting to know them both better. They both seem very sweet and good to You and that is what matters. i know that not every relationship will be like past ones and i am willing to work on my doubts or concerns. i also know that You will help me through it and that You are a better Mistress then the past Ones. You believe in treating us equally even though we are all different. i think that was one of the major problems in the past. Poly relationships are not for everyone but i think in time i will learn to like it just as much as the others. Not being poly makes me feel a bit selfish at times and i do not like feeling that way. So i have been working on that. And i want to thank You Mistress for accepting me even though You knew i had issues with these kind of relationships.

 

 

Subspace

Subspace is an interesting topic. i have read many different views on this. And i can not really say if i have been there or not. Only because some of the introductions to it explain how i feel when serving my One. No matter if it is a scene or not. i guess that would not be considered subspace. But one of the descriptions of subspace states that when experiencing it, the Dominant wins all control. And the sub/slave is vulnerable. i can not say i am always vulnerable but my One will always have the control no matter what state of mind i am in.

There was a few times where i have played where i felt more vulnerable then ever. i used to submit for a couple. Just during random times. There was no commitment or anything. No sex with either. But they did use restraints and a small flogger, some ice and whatever else. They did play, not to the point of an orgasm but it was definitely a wild ride. i was there but my mind was floating. i guess that could be consider subspace. But without the feelings and meaning behind it. There have been times online that i have felt somewhat like that, but i do not count that has being in subspace. What happens online is just sometimes what One does it helps my mind relax in real. Gives me something else to focus on instead of whatever it was i was trying to cope with.

i am hoping to one day actually feel the full affects of subspace. To see if i have ever really been there before or not. It is hard for me to say because i guess i did not know what subspace was then.

The difference...

Even though both a male and a female can be soft and gentle while making love, it is still quite different when with a female. The feelings are more sincere. Of course that is depending on the relationship one might share with another female. And how deep that relationship is. But the touches are just so different. It seems a lot more sensual with a female then it does a male. Even when meant to be rough, it is still more sensual. That may not make much sense but to me that is how it feels. The kissing, the caressing, the foreplay, the whole everything. It is just an amazing experience. i will never forget my first time with another female. It was something i always found to be disgusting and wrong until i became curious enough to actually follow through with it. It was the most romantic, sensual feeling that i can not explain. Even though it was not really meant to be romantic, it felt like it was. Hard to explain the feelings i felt the first time. Just feelings i never had when having sex with a male. Not saying that was never good, just so many different feelings with a female. Even if it is just a one time thing with someone. Just totally different. Lol. Not as easy to explain as i thought it would be but this is a general idea of how it is different for me. The first time i was just like WOW! A woman knows what a woman likes, is how i looked at it the first time. As we all like different things, it is not hard to find those tender spots on a female. We all do have a lot of similarities in what we like sexually done to us. ~Smiles~ Having a lover know how to touch you, how firm to touch you, how soft, how fast, how hard...Just many things are different. And most females can well last longer because there is sooooo much more they can do to each other. ~Giggles~ Foreplay can last for hours and hours if that is what is wanted. Just an amazing experience.

A little about how it all started....

It is hard to say how my submissive side really came out or even got to the extent that it is today, but i do believe it has a lot to do with my past. Being a slave is in my blood, it is my heart. i pretty much grew up with having the control over myself and my actions. Raising my little brother and sister when i was still a child myself. While my mom worked and my dad and older sister went out drinking or whatever they did. When i would do things that were wrong or not safe for me or whatever, no one ever said anything. So i saw it as no one caring enough to notice or anything. So of course, i never stopped and it only got worse. i was never good at making safe decisions for myself. But always protected my younger siblings. As the years went on i had my share of bad experiences. That to this day are still hard for me to talk about. Just to much pain behind them. It made things worse to have been told that those things that happened were my fault. And of course i believed it for the longest time. So i tend to write them off. When i was introduced to the lifestyle by a friend that i had met in a chat room years ago, it hit me on who and what i really was. i never really thought about myself doing things for others, especially if it was something i did not want to do. But when we did an experiment on it, it felt good. i felt wanted, needed, loved. It was just an amazing feeling that i have never felt before. Especially the love, and how safe i felt leaving the decisions in another persons hands. Since in the past i always made the wrong decisions. Or so it seemed anyway.  i chose to hurt myself in different ways just to feel something. Sadly, that became a habit and only got worse. i still have some issues with those things, but not nearly as bad.

Slaves Affirmation

It has been a bit of a crazy day for me with the little one being sick. With his health issues and past, he worries me a bit more then the others when they are sick. He is finally up and moving around though. Not eating much but thankfully he is drinking. i managed to get my 1000 word writing assignment done through all the craziness, without waiting till the last minute. Which, i usually do.  Anyway, while browsing the internet, i found something that i would like to share. i did change "Master" to "Mistress" and the other words that go with that but the rest is word for word.

Slave's affirmation
i am a slave because it is my heart to serve my Mistress, through love, devotion, and trust, i give Her all i am, and strive to be. i submit myself entirely for Her desire's, heart, soul, mind, and body, and find great joy in this submission.  This does not make me a doormat, nor am i required to kneel at the feet of any Dominant. i am an incredibly strong, intelligent women, with my own dreams and desires. i serve because it pleases me to make my Mistress happy, and fill Her with great pride. 
This submission makes me feel wonderful, complete, beautiful, and special. i need it because without it, i am not completely fulfilled. i am not living my true path at Her feet.
In my submission, i gain as much as I give. i gain knowledge as a slave, firm, yet gentle guidance, safety, happiness, and freedom. Being Mistress' slave has allowed me to gain my confidence back, and allowed me to trust again. i forever belong at Her feet.           

Being a slave without being a doormat

Being a slave does not mean that i am a doormat. i do have a voice to be heard, i do have the ability to think. There is a time and place to be able to speak and be heard, with permission. But the opportunities do arrive. As a slave, i do not have to lay there and let everyone and anyone walk all over me. i have the right to say the safe word if it was to ever be needed. Being a slave does mean that i accept my Owners decisions, Her rules, and Her control over my life and that i will always serve and obey Her with a glad heart.