Late start...

Last night was an emotional night for me. i felt emotionally drained. But also felt relieved. And i guess a bit disappointed in Rachel for breaking not just one but a few promises. i could not get comfortable on the couch, so i did go in the bedroom and slept in the bed with John. Been probably about two years since i even slept in a bed. So i figured i would try and see if that helped. Well, then he started yapping, which was actually quite annoying. Kept telling him to go to sleep already, that he had to get up for work. Lol. my mind was just racing in every direction. And him talking was just making it worse. And i had to inform him that just because i was sleeping in the room, does not mean we are getting back together. We have tried many times and it is just not for us. He understood and agreed. i just like to keep the tension levels down when it comes to him, it keep the verbal abuse away from the children. Anyway, i am not even sure what time i finally fell asleep, but it was quite late. i woke up when he got up for work to use the restroom. And again could not get my mind to slow down. Eventually i fell back asleep and missed the alarm to get the little ones up and to school. i woke up a little late but got them to school before it was to late. Broken promises never feel good. It hurts, and hurts deeply. i do believe i did the right thing with her, as my slave side, which is in all reality my only side...Well it felt as if it were dying. Like nothing left to it. i know it is still there because that is who i am. i just need the strength and discipline to get me back to where i was. i know Rachel and i were pretty much online only, but to me it is all or none. i took our relationship seriously and i did whatever i could to keep her happy. However, even though she is not happy or whatever, i know i did not fail. Nobody would have done the things i did for her. If i was an average slave on there, i would have left a long time ago. IMVU may be a virtual world, but it is a way i can express who i am. So i do take it seriously. Maybe to seriously. Maybe i am to honest on there. i do not know. It is also a way for kitten and bb to express themselves separately as well. So, i guess it is also a  way for me to cope. i just feel so lost and confused, which makes my mind go crazy. Makes it hard to focus. my head is a mess. And that itself disappoints me. That i allowed it to get like that. Rachel used to be such a good Mistress, whether she was just acting or whatever, it did not matter. She knew what i needed, when i needed it. Pushing me with the songs and etc...Just anything that would keep my focus where it belongs. But once that started dying down and i had to push her to do those things, it started draining me. i just gave up, i guess and went to whatever she wanted/needed me as.

i am sorry for my good morning message being late Mistress and just wanted to explain a little on why it was late. And thank You again for being there for me last night and staying on with me. i hope i can build back up to where i was. i feel so broken, so drained. Sometimes i do hate being so TPE because if i was not, i would not feel so lost during times like this. But i can not change who i am. i love You Mistress.